Family Grieving Seperatly

It's hard to help someone else heal when you are trying to heal yourself. Your not being selfish by asking for time alone. When you loose a child, it effects both parents differently. There are separate memories making it individual between a Father and a Son/Daughter and a Mother and a Son/Daughter. Parents sometimes find their self holding up a sign saying my Son/Daughter meant more to me than he/she did to you. It's only a way of trying to get as close as we can with the relationship that is no longer with us. There will come a time when you have to crawl out of your little private world and rejoin your family. When you see them as you once did, your instincts will tell you they are in need of you. It's OK to heal separately, but also try and remember you have family that is still here and need you and want you. It's a long road to find your way back, but if you realize you are not alone, you will find the strength you need to heal and also help your loved ones.

Allowing Yourself Not To Grieve

This sounds like an odd statement, but as time passes we have to give ourselves permission to move on. It's like a rollercoster of emotions going on inside you for so long that it's hard to get off the ride. You even talk yourself into believing that others will think bad of you if you smile or laugh or do something other than live in the shadows. Your son or daughter would not like you to live like that. They want to see you smiling and Oh Yes! I believe they can see us. So when you get to that bottomless pit, try to remember the smile on your childs face cheering you on. They may not be physically here, but they still share in our joy.

The touch of their clothes

My son didn't live with us anymore, because he was on his own and was involved in a very nice relationship. When he had died, non of his clothes were with us. I especially had a fondness for a bright orange sweat jacket he use to wear a lot. His fiance at the time brought me three large picture frames with pieces of his clothes in each separated geometric shapes behind glass. I looked at them and just cried. I was very angry. I had waited so long to feel his clothes, something he had worn and it was behind glass. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I know his fiance felt my dislike for her gesture. After I got myself in order and actually had his bright orange sweat shirt, I felt ashamed for reacting in such a matter. Now I understand it was given from her heart and I truly treasure it.

Emptiness

There is no time limit to grieving. Have you ever heard the saying "in a child's time"? I always took that to mean when they are ready. I believe that it is the way our grieving is handled when we loose a child. No matter how our child leaves us or at what age, leaving is leaving. The emptiness can not be explained to anyone who has never felt it. It's truly unique to the individual experiencing it. The only advice I could offer to someone trying to comfort someone who has loss a child, is to hug them. No words can be expressed to heal the grieving parent and we really do understand that you can't relate to what we are going through and wouldn't want you to. When we are quiet, we are in thought and with our child. We must rest in the emptiness for awhile till it subsides in our time. Like our child's time.