Excepting the Path to Healing

Names will not be mentioned here as this is very personal.

When you think you have put things into perspective or at least aside just a little bit, the door is reopened. I have learned that just because you think you helped all you could, sometimes it's not to the limit's you are meant to go.

Fact: The First Offenders Act means when you successfully complete the terms of your sentence, your record would be expunged. Hidden away and not used against you in the case of acquiring employment etc.

Our son was killed in an automobile racing accident. Yes it was an accident and not directly an intent to kill my son, but due to poor judgment in participating in the race, it did indeed kill him. At the trial, we agreed to allow the boys involved be sentenced under the First Offender's Act. The individual driving the car my son was in was sentenced to 15 years (including probation). He has been out for two years and working at a place he worked prior to the accident. Now he is at the end of his contract and has an opportunity to be hired on as a full time employee (not just through a contract), but they won't if he has this incident on his record. I was contacted via e-mail through a mutual friend, stating that he didn't know how to approach us in asking if we would consider aiding him in getting his probation expunged, in order to gain permanent employment.

Like I said.... "the door reopened" and in walked memories.

Instead of replying to the e-mail, which I couldn't find the words to do, I instead played out different scenario's over the next couple of days. I guess I was trying to put all of my emotions into check and understand why I felt the way I did. I've never walked in so many shoes those few days, from my Son's, the driver of the car, the drivers parents (especially his Mom) and also taking into consideration the views of my Husband and Daughter.

I felt an overwhelming need to talk to the driver's Mom, so I made the call. She answered all of my questions that had made a home in my thoughts without me actually asking them. I felt I had made the right decision in contacting her. She said her son had a very hard time even dealing with the idea if he even deserved the right to ask for help and if it meant we had to go back to court in order to get his probation expunged, then that would be out of the question. He said he couldn't do that or let us go through that and told his lawyer such. His lawyer said only a letter would be needed and at that, still doesn't mean the Judge would rule in his favor, but he didn't know what else to do.

I told his Mom that it is OK that he called us, and that we may cry, but sometimes it's OK to cry. I told her that we are wanting to help and also gave her my e-mail in order for him to write in detail what is needed to show the Judge.

He served jail time, and has been out two years without anything else against him. Waiting eleven years to get his record expunged and get his life in order is to long. Asking this to continue is not forgiving and no healing can continue or begin in some cases (such as his). How can anyone even calculate how much someone is suppose to be punished? Especially in a case where the intent was not there.

His Mom said she also felt guilty for him asking for help, thinking at least she had her son. We had lost ours! I told her, in all actuality, she had lost her son also (at least in my eyes, I felt her pain as well as my own). She said she couldn't imagine anyone ever having such compassion and forgiveness as we have shown, but I told her something that I had shared with my daughter. "We do not feel the way we do for lack of love for our son, but it is the love we have FOR him". I'm sure it is beyond comprehension to understand the limits your mind can reach while in pain, but if we are to have faith at all, there is a power so much more powerful that holds us in his protective arms. GOD!

I slept good last night and feel at peace that I took the right turn in my path of life. Forgiveness without judgment, heals all!

Family Grieving Seperatly

It's hard to help someone else heal when you are trying to heal yourself. Your not being selfish by asking for time alone. When you loose a child, it effects both parents differently. There are separate memories making it individual between a Father and a Son/Daughter and a Mother and a Son/Daughter. Parents sometimes find their self holding up a sign saying my Son/Daughter meant more to me than he/she did to you. It's only a way of trying to get as close as we can with the relationship that is no longer with us. There will come a time when you have to crawl out of your little private world and rejoin your family. When you see them as you once did, your instincts will tell you they are in need of you. It's OK to heal separately, but also try and remember you have family that is still here and need you and want you. It's a long road to find your way back, but if you realize you are not alone, you will find the strength you need to heal and also help your loved ones.

Allowing Yourself Not To Grieve

This sounds like an odd statement, but as time passes we have to give ourselves permission to move on. It's like a rollercoster of emotions going on inside you for so long that it's hard to get off the ride. You even talk yourself into believing that others will think bad of you if you smile or laugh or do something other than live in the shadows. Your son or daughter would not like you to live like that. They want to see you smiling and Oh Yes! I believe they can see us. So when you get to that bottomless pit, try to remember the smile on your childs face cheering you on. They may not be physically here, but they still share in our joy.

The touch of their clothes

My son didn't live with us anymore, because he was on his own and was involved in a very nice relationship. When he had died, non of his clothes were with us. I especially had a fondness for a bright orange sweat jacket he use to wear a lot. His fiance at the time brought me three large picture frames with pieces of his clothes in each separated geometric shapes behind glass. I looked at them and just cried. I was very angry. I had waited so long to feel his clothes, something he had worn and it was behind glass. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I know his fiance felt my dislike for her gesture. After I got myself in order and actually had his bright orange sweat shirt, I felt ashamed for reacting in such a matter. Now I understand it was given from her heart and I truly treasure it.

Emptiness

There is no time limit to grieving. Have you ever heard the saying "in a child's time"? I always took that to mean when they are ready. I believe that it is the way our grieving is handled when we loose a child. No matter how our child leaves us or at what age, leaving is leaving. The emptiness can not be explained to anyone who has never felt it. It's truly unique to the individual experiencing it. The only advice I could offer to someone trying to comfort someone who has loss a child, is to hug them. No words can be expressed to heal the grieving parent and we really do understand that you can't relate to what we are going through and wouldn't want you to. When we are quiet, we are in thought and with our child. We must rest in the emptiness for awhile till it subsides in our time. Like our child's time.